Self-love means…

The definition of self-love I learned on my own journey

What self-love means to me is…fighting for yourself. Fighting for yourself without allowing for surrender. There’s no option to surrender because surrendering is too dark to consider. Of course, there are times for rest. There are times for retreating, reevaluating, and changing strategies. There are times to venture alone and times to recruit help. Self-love is sometimes tears. Self-love is “no” when you want to say no and “yes” when you want to say yes and never the other way around. It is battles behind closed doors that no one ever sees where you beat back the darkness with the light. Even if sometimes the light seems to fade away too quickly. Self-love is being completely vulnerable with yourself. It’s acknowledging and looking at the shadowy parts of yourself, the parts you hide away or you’d rather not see, and saying, “it’s ok.” Self-love is a muscle, a tree, a building. It doesn’t just happen, it grows. You don’t wake up one morning bursting with self-love. You fill yourself up, one drop at a time, until it’s a regular rhythm of your life. 

Day 22 Month of Gratitude

Day 22: Write 5 “blessings in disguise” that you are grateful for

For example: think of things or people you wanted at one point but found it a blessing in disguise when it didn’t work out or vice versa

Write your responses to the prompt above in a designated Gratitude Journal.

Write each of the five answers as “I am grateful for ___________.”

My Own Making Om

Two years ago I found myself drowning in a suicidal depression. I dealt with anxiety and panic attacks my whole life and had been struggling with increasingly worse depression. Having grown up around addicts, I thought I understood what “hitting bottom” meant, but this depressive dip I found myself in showed me that sometimes “bottom” has a basement. I buried myself deeply under self-sabotaging and numbing patterns. Feeling anything was just too much at the time. But the thing I learned about numbing was: you can’t numb the bad without numbing the good. So I found myself engaging in risky and reckless behaviors just to feel something. I was looking for an accident to take me out. I would ride my bike in heavy, fast traffic hoping a car would side swipe me and end it. I was done with life. Memories had surfaced and the weight of my past had become too much. I was ready to check out.

Continue reading “My Own Making Om”