Does that bring up some emotion for you? Perfect. Then this is probably for you.
Have you been finding you are not matching with the right people, any connection you find is brief, or it never flourishes in to a genuine relationship? If so…
Do you go on these sites when you’re lonely? Do you find you’re scrolling through these apps when you’re bored without a clear idea of what you want?
If so, what kind of intention are you putting out there for a relationship with these actions?
Let’s put this in another context. Let’s say you have a friend that says they really want to lose weight. They talk about it all the time. When you ask them what they’re eating, they respond with “Whatever is around. I don’t really think about it as long as it’s there.” They don’t ask questions about the food they eat. They don’t look at the ingredients or contents of their food but they continue to eat mindlessly. And yet they continue to talk about wanting to lose weight, feel dissatisfied with their current situation, and they constantly complain about the quality of the food around them. What would you think about this person’s weight loss “goals?”
I bet you wouldn’t take them seriously. Or you would recognize that they aren’t ready to do what it takes to lose weight. This silly example is the same with the online dating scene.
Granted some people are very explicit about their wants (hook ups only, no hook ups, etc.) and I applaud that if those are their genuine wishes. But most people are “just seeing what’s out there,” or don’t really know what they’re looking for, or they are not clear about their expectations. How many times have you actually told someone in the first month of dating the type or relationship you want instead of just letting it play out?
Most of my generation is terrified of being vulnerable. I’m not sure why this happened (read more in my Please Catch the Feels post) but it’s true. The hook up culture allows us to have a type of loose connection with plenty of space and boundaries to prevent heartache and rejection…because we were never really together, right? Right!? But it’s an awful cycle that leads to a lot of miscommunication, assumptions, drama, and heartaches that are brushed under the rug because we weren’t supposed to get attached in the first place.
Because of this fear of being vulnerable, most people on these dating apps are not actually ready and/or willing to be in a real relationship, which requires some vulnerability and trust, but they want to feel desired, they want to feel worthy, they want someone to want them. Or at least the Ego does. (Read about the Ego here) And many people on these sites (and off) are in a battle between their true nature, their Soul, that is yearning for a genuine connection and potentially life long partnership, and their Ego, that is trying to protect them from pain and rejection. We’re at odds with our self. Which makes it hard to set a clear intention.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are many people on these sites that really want somebody and are convinced that every new person is THE one but maybe aren’t healed enough to pull in someone good for them. For example, we pull in what is familiar to us, so if your parents spoke unkindly to you growing up, you’ll probably pull in a partner that does that same because this is what is familiar. It is what we learn to expect from the people that love us because that is what we were shown from a young age. It is this type of desperate/needy/clingy energy that tends to pull in abusive people because, without healing these wounds, it’s what we’re expecting to see. And once again, this needy, desperate energy of the Ego just wants someone to validate them. It doesn’t really matter if the person is good or not.
Of course, these people exist off dating website and apps as well.
It’s time to stop dissatisfaction. It’s time to stop using other people because we don’t feel worthy without someone chasing us. It’s time to stop having the same relationship experiences just with different people.
The next few posts will give tools to help set your real intention for the type of relationship you want.
The time for settling is over.
Get what you want. And I’ll help.
Use this time to reflect on and parts of yourself you see in these descriptions.
Be strong light warriors.